I itch all over. I want to take a bath in oatmeal but I'm scared of the bees. I sent him a text tonight that said sorry I'm a shitty girlfriend. My nose has been bleeding since he left. I have to get up in three hours but i can't close my eyes. It's going to be another short night. Tomorrow I will go to "work" and come home around four then tell Shannon that I don't feel like going out.

Matt called tonight-twice. I told him there wasn't really room at our table and that we were getting ready to leave. Then everyone told me that was rude-but at least I answered the phone when he called [they didn't]. Some people are so afraid of honesty. I'm not afraid to be honest with someone, even if it means hurting their feelings. People need to toughen-up and stop walking on eggshells for sensitive people. I don't really like that guy very much.

I told Shannon tonight that I was pregnant. I always say that-even when I haven't had sex in months. I usually say it when I have had a lot to eat and I'm feeling bloated. Tonight I just said it while we were driving around the lakes. It is sort of like crying wolf. One day I really will be pregnant, and she will not believe me. C'est la vie.

I am very jealous that Shannon gets to spend so much time with the Art History professors writing her thesis. I miss them often. I have a Professor shaped hole in my heart that I don't think the College of Education can fill.

I finished reading Slaughterhouse Five this morning. Here were my favorite lines:

-"She upset Billy simply by being his mother. She made him feel embarrassed and ungrateful and weak because she had gone to so much trouble to give him life, and to keep that life going, and Billy didn't really like life at all."

-"She was a dull person, but a sensational invitation to make babies. Men looked at her and wanted to fill her up with babies right away. She hadn't had even one baby yet. She used birth control."

"Well, here we are, Mr. Pilgrim, trapped in the amber of this moment."

i said i was too tired for this.

He couldn't quite figure out how I fit into his life, but he had a generalized idea. It was similar to the way I fit into his bed and my hands fit into his hands and his cigarette fit between his lips. For three days I felt prettier than a painting-perfectly framed and leveled-hanging dead center on the gallery wall.















The distance will make me fall.

Come visit me in autumn and we will play house...hide under covers...play cat and mouse...

Before we stopped talking he told me he was sorry my relationship with my family had become so toxic. There were various times when I thought he was sincere. And then there was finally a point when I had to accept that he wasn't.

She said that E.B. had come to visit Frascati. I couldn't help but feel disgusted by Claire's stories of her young husband and his frequent porn shop rentals. Oh how revolting I find the bragging of her success. I hope your divorce is something you are proud of.

Lazy Weekend

*There was a holocaust of roaches in my kitchen yesterday.
*I got a wireless router which makes for maximum laziness.
*I haven't done my reading for tomorrow morning-because I don't really care what B.F. Skinner has to say about behaviorism.
*Shannon is still in Rome
*I want to fix my bike but I think I need more tools. I might just take it to Capital City Cycle and have them fix it.
*Beyond the roach problem, there is a june bug issue. I just watched one crawl into my room from a tiny space in my window sill. I hate Louisiana summers.
*Today was Father's day. For the first time in like 3 years my Father's day card was on time. Go responsibility.
*Tomorrow is a new Bachelorette. What will possibly happen this week that will out-do Ed's surprise early-exit from the last episode?! I'm pretty sure fantasy suites might be involved and impotency. Stoked.

[for fear i may lose you again]